Nein

Nein posts from me recently with my busy schedule of working late nights, and gaming even later nights. I need to play games before I can write about games right?

Okay. So. Update number one.
I'm in a new highly respected position at subway: shift manager of the eve. I wear cloaks and slink about, pouncing on people with sandwiches when they are least awares like a sandwich dracula. (Note: this doesn't actually happen in the real world). It basically means I make sandwiches in the evening. Beautiful sandwiches mind you, the kind where customers frequently say: 'Oh my! Dearest husband, you must catch me as I am swooning over this sandwich of such gorgeous and golden ratios!' (Note: this definitely happens in the real world; I am a very accomplished sandwich artist). Whilst my artistry is almost always remarked upon, the job itself is a little stale. So I have embarked upon my quest to return to university.

Next semester I am returning to complete my communications degree. Words, sentences and punctuation will aid me in this quest. I shall slay the giant, 8 headed, fire breathing, village pillaging, university dragon who rains lava on those unworthy.

Okay, I exaggerated. Just one head.

Heres hoping I do well!

Update number two.
Many. Many. Many games have been released and played since I last updated. Minecraft has been put on the back burner as I've played through Half Life 2, Half Life 2: Episode 1, Portal 1 several times, Portal 2 several times, a bit of Mass Effect 2, and a smidgeon of Dwarfs!?.

Lets start with the Half Life series. I'm sure a large majority of gamers have played it to some extent but this has been my first introduction to the series. It is definitely worth the praise it receives. A gorgeously scary, evocative, tasteful and complete, package. The single player options of games like Black Ops and Bad Company 2 are lifeless and empty in comparison to Half Life 2's thrilling ride through City 17 and it's surroundings.
The game's depth of storytelling, coupled with the variety of locations, make your personal adventure through the game feel like a real accomplishment, putting you in the shoes of the main character, Gordon Freeman.
Gordon's trip between each map point feels like a real traversal, absorbing scenery surrounding the way. The whole world describes a tale, much in the same vein of 2007's BioShock; prefering to show rather than tell. For example, a section midway through the game explicitly portrays a world gone wrong, using some of the most perturbing imagery in any recent game I've played.

Hint: Sup

Anyway, go play it. Go. Now. Give Valve money also, they deserve it.


Whiiiiich brings me to my next game, portal 2.
Sooo without sounding like a fanboy, VAlVE R FUCKING AWSOME YOU IDITZ, THAY HAV CREATED DA BEST GAME U HAV EVA SEEN!
ahem. They make good games radda radda radda.

Portal 2 carries on the tradition of being awesome with a sprinkling of more awesomeness. The world is expanded, the characters are broadened and the puzzle mechanics are more fun than ever. Portal 2 takes the world of aperture science introduced in the original portal and magnifies it gorgeously. I don't want to spoil anything about it. at all. So just go play it once you've finished the first one, then listen to the commentary. I highly recommend anyone who even barely likes games to play Portal and Portal 2. Very accessible games for anyone who can afford a thinking cap.

Okay, I'm now off to apply to write for Valve, wish me luck?

Keep on truckin'

VIII

Hi!
First off, it's been a while. Second off, I'm changing things up on here. Thingz are going to get krazy yo. Well not really, I'm just going to add more things about my current job at whatever time I'm writing. The trials and tribulations of my rise from shift manager at Subway to CEO of Earth need to be documented and this is my stage to do so.

DON'T WORRY! There will still be occasional poems and videos and magazine covers for my adoring fans. and adore you will.

Anyway, anybody heard of Minecraft here? If not, it's www.minecraft.net for all you who don't .. have .. google ...
Uh. Well basically it's a giant randomly generated game made of giant randomly generated pixels. As the title indicates, you mine and craft. A lot. Monsters have haphazard spawn points throughout the map and it is your job to survive and keep the evil at bay. This is achieved through the creation of houses and castles and traps and moats and other titillating buildings. Making your first fort is one of the freshest, funnest (not a word) experiences in a long time, and it looks good as you do it.

As appetising as pixel graphics from the 90s sound, you'd be surprised how sexy this game actually is. The 3D pixel led graphics are a nice change from the NEXT GEN FANTASTICAMO whizz bangs of 2010, and they work surprisingly well with the gameplay. After playing for a short while you realise it couldn't work any other way.

Unfortunately, Minecraft is still in Alpha development stage, but even now I'm hard pressed to find a game more addictive, scary and cuddly at the same time. Every dog and their mothers are covering this game at the moment so if it interests you I beg you to read up about it. Well worth your time.
Rating - definite buy

Minecraft section over, job section COMMENCE!

When I first started working at subway I quickly moved up the ranks from sandwhich artist to shift manager. Despite the huge increase in pay of ONE DOLLAR(!!!) as a shift manager, I kind of miss the 'artist' part of my title. Making sandwhiches look beautiful was a fun way to pass the time, and now things are so different. My job allocations include wearing reading glasses, sifting through piles of money and telling people off for breathing too loudly. It's quite a dissimilar experience I must say.


Subway is my current livelihood, but to be honest I can't tell if subway or minecraft is more worth my time; One lets me eat, the other lets me eat VIRTUALLY! (I'm also a skilled carpenter in one of them, guess which).

Aight enough of this "writing" business, I'm off to mine mines, and lose money at poker. Have a grand old time all.

Whatchu' lookin' at?

sette

I'm starting to feel amoral and mentally in space.



My thoughts of the last 5 minutes in lyricismism form:

I've had the best times of my life,
over that gate,
and by that pool,
and on those hard slats of wood.
Your dog licked my fingers,
and your friends liked my words.
I'll come back,
again and again and again.
just for good measure.
I'll eat your ice, be witless and witty.
Play your game, be there and give your pity.

Anyways, so I was playing Sims 3 today and it hooked me much quicker than I expected. I was all 'hmm this hair might be okay' and then before I knew it time had left me behind. Three hours later, my face was half a centimetre away from the screen and I was screaming at 'Avey' to get out of the damn-hell-ass shower and go to work. It's the first game in a while which has weasled its way into my thoughts so frequently outside of "allocated playing hours" (any time when I can't handcuff myself to the computer). I'm starting to wonder where my sister's green diamond above her head is. In fact, I'm starting to wonder which is the game, "real life" or Sims 3.



UNGA UNGA KAKA LAKA BOOSA

Basically, the sims is like living real life but not at all. My score is 7/9.


My final word for the day, is that sleeping bags are more fun than you can imagine, and you should sleep in them in your bed sometimes just for comfort's sake.

Froooommm the banshee beat. (so mysterious).
p.s. have a fine and dandy night or day.

Hexagon

Today's major vexation: The fucking (adjective, not verb) heat.

Today's heat is the kind where your skin melts and you walk around as a puddle of fury, the best kind. Clearly.

Not this kind:

Or this kind:


Or even this kind for that matter:


I'm starting to wonder why my blog isn't entirely based on this magazine. "We've done it! We've had sex!" "OH MY GOD, IT'S (wait for it)... GLYN!" "Sheep watched me lose my virginity!"
Glyn doesn't even have his belt on the correct way, how embarrassing.


Back to my main point though, the intense rise of temperature has maintained existence. Melting both the walls and my patience, it has now driven me insane. I feel like I am covered in a lacquer made from bees' wax and dripping rapist sweat. My skin has fused to the chair on which I sit. Pics or it didn't happen you say? Well fine:


I also look EXACTLY like this right now:

Thats hot.

Basically I feel like glue which has been fashioned out of molten lava. Not good times. As a side note, I don't recommend any glue which looks anything remotely like this:


That's my rant for today, just thought you should know about my white-hot fury brought about by this LOVELY weather.

(just for the record that was sarcasm.)

Have a lovely day all, I hope you live in antarctica.

00110101

As a celebration of roping in a second (WOWEEE!!!) official follower, I have decided to embed some fab youtube videos for your viewing pleasure.


First up depicts probably the best exercise machine ever. I have a feeling its actually an inside joke between the people who made it. Maybe one of them bet the other to see how many people would actually buy it. I want to buy it out of hilarity.


Secondly, a video of me. clearly.



Thirdly, a clip from the movie which is the best movie ever. The director, Tommy Wiseau is ridiculously unintentionally hilarious, in fact, heres a clip of both the movie and then one of Tommy. I advise every single person on the earth to watch "The Room". Hilarity will ensue.

Movie:


Director:


Finally! My favourite:



GO TO VA-ROOM OOBIE DOLT CALM. DISCOVER YOURSELF.

have a lovely day guys and girls.

४

Its been a while, so heres some facebook game reviews, because everyone loves facebook games.

1.Happy Aquarium

pretty good, but takes a lot of time



2. My Zoo

pretty good, but you dont really do much other than clicking a lot of 'upgrade' buttons, but very addictive.



3. Cafe World

a fair bit of fun, but you can only really play it for a minute or two a day unless you're a decorating spazzoid. You make meals to unlock more meals to make more meals and get a nicer cafe, all about the new meals and stoves and things I guess.




4. Happy Island

Probably my favourite of the four, buying and upgrading new buildings and shops is plenty of fun, and I love my new volcano island.



So basically, facebook games are lame timewasters, but also mildly fun. Therefore you should play every single one of them all day everyday until you die from internet addiction. Good.

Good day.

Tricycles

In the past week I have made both an extremely expensive and an extremely inexpensive purchase in relation to games. Namely, Guitar Hero 5 and Budokai 3. Firstly, whilst Guitar Hero 5 is a mightily enjoyable game, providing hours upon hours of -marketing spiel here- it is still abnormally overpriced. The game itself is already overpriced at $114, but then apparently a piece of shit chunk of plastic now costs $100 to buy. Fuck you Activision. Activision, publisher of Guitar Hero and Modern Warfare 2, have gone off the rails. With the introduction of DJ Hero, Activision have decided to attempt to cash out with another pisspoor plastic device. The CEO appears to be spearheading this money grubbing scheme: What a schmuck.

Statements such as the following just go to show what a charming chap he really is: “… You know if it was left to me, I would raise the prices even further,” and "The goal that I had in bringing a lot of the packaged goods folks into Activision about 10 years ago was to take all the fun out of making video games." aaand "I think we definitely have been able to instill the culture, the skepticism and pessimism and fear that you should have in an economy like we are in today. And so, while generally people talk about the recession, we are pretty good at keeping people focused on the deep depression." What a character.

Enough hatred and fury for now, onto my second purchase. For $16 this is probably the best purchase I could ever make. ever. It's the second time I've bought the game seeming as my old copy started to freeze and do all sorts of weird things, and I am addicted once more. To be fair, I am a dragon ball fanboy, but this game is so exciting and expansive that I would recommend it to most gamers. The colourful visuals, quick paced fights, and enormous variety of characters and game modes make Budokai 3 an easy purchase even 5 years after its release. It is definitely at least 12 times better than its subsequent releases also.

The moral of the story is that dragonball z is awesome, and bobby kotick is a cunt.